


Little Donkey

by Daegaer



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-03
Updated: 2004-06-03
Packaged: 2017-11-05 15:24:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/407988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/pseuds/Daegaer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aziraphale doesn't like it when people hit donkeys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Donkey

The angel of the Lord stood in the road, awaiting his prey. Far off in the distance, his keen sight saw the pagan prophet coming: a small, fat man on a smaller, thin donkey. Every one of the man's prophecies came true - those he blessed prospered, those he cursed faded. And now he had been employed to curse the children of Israel, and in accepting the commission, had inadvertently signed up for suicide-by-angel.

The little donkey was much closer now, her stick-thin legs bearing her and her fat owner steadily along. The angel got ready to strike the prophet dead. Then the donkey looked up, and her soft brown eyes widened, and with an incredible turn of speed for one so small and so burdened, she made a wide semi-circle round the angel, out into the field and back onto the road.

'Stupid beast!' the prophet cried, and hit her around the ears.

'Bugger me,' Aziraphale muttered, and flew on ahead.

He landed a mile up the road, made sure he was invisible to mortal flesh and waited, a little less patiently than before. Up the hill and along the dusty road came the little donkey, plodding along, every step bringing her nearer to her master's doom. Aziraphale sucked his teeth and whistled tunelessly. There was a vineyard on either side of the road, each with a dry stone wall. There was nowhere to go but right along the road. This time the donkey didn't see him, he was quite sure. She didn't look up in surprise, she didn't speed up. He got ready, and stood stock-still in amazement as the donkey seemed to suck in her already narrow sides and squeezed past him on one side of the road. The fat little prophet screeched in pain as she dragged his foot along the wall.

'Most worthless of donkeys!' he cried, and hit her with his fist between the ears.

'Hmm,' Aziraphale said. He looked upward, and said in as respectful a tone as he could, 'I wonder if I might be actually assigned some equipment for this? Perhaps an anti-donkey spray of some kind?'

After a peculiarly articulate kind of silence that left him red-faced and annoyed, Aziraphale hurried on after the prophet, clutching a borrowed flaming sword tightly in his hand. It quite put him in the smiting mood, he had to admit. He flew up high, and saw the perfect spot. It was a narrow defile with high cliffs on either side. There was no way for the donkey to get around him at all. He flew there quickly, and waited, tapping one foot. The little donkey toiled up the slope, her legs shaking under the burden of her master. Aziraphale swung his sword experimentally in the air, admiring the flickering flames. The donkey came up level with him, looked to the left and to the right, gave him a very dirty look and lay down in the middle of the road.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes and decided that he wouldn't lose too much angelic dignity by smiting a non-moving prophet. He stepped forward and stopped as the prophet began kicking the donkey hard in the ribs.

'Up! Up! Daughter of a harlot!' the prophet screamed.

The donkey sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. Aziraphale, who had strong views on hitting ladies, even if they had long velvety ears and four legs, was outraged. He made a gesture and the donkey opened her eyes and shot her master a stern look.

'Why have you hit me these three times?' she enquired acidly.

'Because you've played stupid tricks on me!' the prophet yelled, not seeming to find it odd that his donkey was addressing him. 'If I had a sword, I'd kill you!'

'Some thanks I get,' the donkey said. 'Have I _ever_ in all my life acted like this before?'

' . . . no,' the prophet said, a frown creasing his brow as if he had worked out that _something_ was wrong, but he didn't quite know what it was.

'Borrow _his_ sword, why don't you?' the donkey muttered and nodded toward Aziraphale.

The prophet looked up the road and yelped in surprised terror. He fell down in the dust and began knocking his forehead on the road.

'Why have you been beating this poor, very small for the weight she's expected to carry, donkey?' Aziraphale said. 'If it wasn't for her, you'd be dead.'

'I'm sorry! Ididn'tknowyouwerethere!' the prophet gabbled. 'Allow your slave to withdraw his worthless self from the glory of your sight, my lord.' He began wriggling backwards in the dust.

Aziraphale sighed and stepped forward, touching the point of the sword to the back of the prophet's neck. 'Not so fast,' he said. 'Look, I haven't quite lost the urge for smiting, especially after seeing that disgraceful display of cruelty to animals. However, your donkey seems to see some good in you, so perhaps we can work something out.'

'Anything, my lord, anything!' the prophet said, his voice a little muffled by having his face pressed into the road.

'I'm so glad to see you can be reasonable,' Aziraphale said.

* * *

And it came to pass that the prophet went forth and stood upon a mountain and blessed the children of Israel, and like all those he blessed, they prospered. And then he departed and went unto his own house, walking every step of the way, in accordance with the vow that he had made, not to ride upon his donkey until he had gone on a diet and ceased to be quite so fat. And the angel of the Lord returned the flaming sword from whence it came, and took himself off to the coastal cities, where there was much sin that needed chastising, and also some rather pleasant little wine bars.

_Numbers 22:31-32_

Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with his drawn sword in his hand; and he bowed his head and fell on his face. And the angel of the LORD said to him, "Why have you struck your donkey these three times?"


End file.
